phlebotomyvamp's Xanga

WTF ????

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 23:10:25 GMT

Every now and again someone may ask me to join them for shopping or movies, or something. Then they either overlook that they asked me or they were just being nice, but decided to hurt my feelings instead. It happened more this year or maybe I was more aware of it.
I do look out for my daughter since we have the one vehicle and she doesn't drive yet.
A co-worker asked me to go to the movies this weekend and I said let me check with my daughter and make sure she isnt working. I promptly got back to them the next day. They said well I also asked so and so to go and they said yes, maybe another time. So WTF? Why bother asking me? If one isn't going to follow through , just don't ask me.
At times I get mad and upset that this happens, but since it happens quite frequently to me the pain builds up.
Then I will get to the point of saying something I probably shouldnt.
I guess when it comes right down to the bare bones of it, I really have no friends.
Ehh well I guess I kinda expected that. I never really "hang" out with co-workers after work.
Another thing that has got my thongs in a twist are men drivers from out of state. This Mass. car backed up and hit my car. I was blaring my horn and they kept backing. WTF? Then he tried to take off and I screamed " Get back here, now". He saunters up looks at my car and says" no damage, can I buy you lunch"? WTF?
I didn't see you when I was backing up. DUHHHHHH obviously , you missed the waitress and hit my car.
I said " go back to Mass. where you know how to drive, since you can't drive worth a crap here." Come on now, my car is RED and you didnt see it? Blind, dumb and stupid. Maybe my daughter and I have whip lash now. I have witnesses who saw the whole accident. Yes I have his plate number. Maybe its too late to do anything, but I should have then and there. SLAP.
Okay I am done venting for today. Off to sleep in my daughters old room. I hope I can finally get a restful sleep. I soooooooo need it. I am too cranky.

Thank you

Sat, 04 Jul 2009 23:07:01 GMT

You didnt have to love me like you did
But you did, but you did.
And I thank you.
You didnt have to love me like you did
But you did, but you did.
And I thank you.
But you took your love to someone else
I wouldnt know what it meant to be loved to death

You made me feel like Ive never felt
Kisses so good I had to holler for help
You didnt have to squeeze it but you did
But you did but you did
And I thank you.
You didnt have to hold it but you did
But you did but you did
And I thank you.

Every day was something new,
You put on your bag and your fine to-do
You got me trying new things too
Just so I can keep up with you.

You didnt have to shake it but you did
But you did but you did
And I thank you.
You didnt have to make it like you did
But you did but you did
And I thank you.

All my life Ive been shortchanged
Without your love baby its a crying shame
But now I know what the fellas talking about
Hear me say that they been turned out
I want to thank you
I want to thank you
I want to thank you
Yes, I want to thank you

fortune foreseen

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 10:52:40 GMT

The Ace of Swords card reversed suggests that at this time certain factors don't add up to a convincing argument. You may not have all the information you need to make a definite decision or to direct the question toward its logical conclusion as it relates to your love life or relationship. Trust and respect your inner voice before turning to outside opinion. You may not be ready to take the next logical step, are not seeing things clearly or are at odds with your personal convictions. Don't give in to self-doubt or it will make you vulnerable to disrespect, excuses or distrust. Demonstrate consideration and honor for yourself, or no one else will, either. Respect your need for more time and 'know thyself' before you make any declarations, connections or contact, but don't overthink things.

The Three of Wands card suggests that my power today lies in opportunity. I lay it on the line, take a chance, and look for signs of positive encouragement. I am open to new worlds and am actively patient in expanding my connection, increasing my standing, or waiting for my "ship to come in," but "if I can't get to the party, I will bring the party to me." I am empowered by a sense of responsibility and a readiness to believe and receive and I transform through creative resourcefulness.

Try your best to let your smile do the talking today -- you've got charm that may folks find irresistible! It may be tempting to do things your own way, but a bit of diplomacy is all you really need.

I sometimes wonder IF they really know me, as my inner being knows most of this is true. The power of the spiritual universe once again.

weekend recovery uncovered

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 01:21:16 GMT

My youngest daughter and I went camping at a State Park Saturday night. We put the tent up with NO problem. We had a good bonding / mother,daughter time. We (I) built a fire. We roasted marsh mellows and made somores, popped popcorn, and drank bitches beer. We played cards for over two hours. We walked in the lake and swung on the swings, we teetered on the teeter totter. We just lived happy for a few hours.
Today I think, "What do I want from life"? I dunno.. I do know a few things like the songs say
1) If I COULD TURN BACK TIME but I can't. Wish I could.
I wish I could do a few things. Some I can't mention. I wish I were her. I wish I had him. I wish upon a star. I wish I didn't love him. I wish he loved me. I wish someone could love me. I wish someone would want me.
I have always had this sense of being needed and wanted by someone. Maybe I never felt it when I was a child. Even now that sense grows stronger. My life grows shorter. I wonder will I ever find what I am looking for before I die?? What or who am I looking for? Am I looking for you, or for him? Am I looking for someone I will never find?
My daughter asked me questions about my loser of a life. I said "Don't follow in my footsteps, because you will find hurt and pain". I would say follow your heart, but it is like mine. You are so eager to find someone to love and to love you back just like me. We are the same except you are just beginning your path and I am ending mine. I am only here to guide you in hopes you don't take the path I chose. I want you to do better, go places, meet people.
She looked at me and said "Mom, I am here to take care of you and daddy. I am not going anywhere. The two of you need me, I am the glue that keeps us together". I said " No your not the glue that keeps us together. We have issues to work out. Sometimes after years of being together you may find that life was a bad path to have taken, but the only good was the kids. Sometimes that part of life has to end for it to even try to get better."
I know I have a heart and sometimes ( most of the time) it leads me astray. It tells me to love someone who I can't possibly love. I know when I am apart from him I am empty. I know I think of him too much. I know he doesn't think of me the way I do him. Maybe it is one man, or two or three.
I do know that no one can give me what I so desperately seek. I have to search my inner self to find the peace I need. Then maybe just maybe I will have a life I can be happy about.
I don't know where it is going, or where it will end or if it will end.. I do know time is passing me by and I am sitting at the dock of the bay watching the tides roll in. Yes I want and want and want more and more and more, but I get less and less and less as time goes by.
I will always be on the outside looking in. Never able to go inside and become one as I am not one and never will be one. I am me plain and simple. Lost and searching forever more until the end of time.
Searching, searching. I will keep searching until I am found..........................

INTERCOURSE VERY EXPLICIT READING

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 20:30:53 GMT

I had a wonderful weekend. I have finally figured somethings out about life. It is a long learning process for me since I can't have full use of MY life.
1) I will say "my boyfriend and I MAKE LOVE." I know I have feelings for him and I know he has for me.
2) I will also say" I FUCKED a few guys this weekend. "I had protected intercourse.
3) I will say "Damn there are some Big ones out there"
4) I will say " One guy just kept coming back for more, but I am not bringing him home to meet Mamma"
5)I will say"There is making love, with passion and fire, heat". There is just plain fucking to get your or his orgasm, then off to the next one. Then there is what I call a fuck fest. It is unorganized sex. You either sit on the couch and pout or wait and wait in hopes someone fucks you or you just get in the game and start fucking.
I have to say I did go out of my comfort zone this weekend. I fucked a toad. Hey he had a a dick and it was big. So I said why not try it. Well my body just didn't care for him. He had been down there eating for a while now and I still wasn't lubed up. So I just fucked him. Then the Boyfriend showed up and said" Wow you didn't even get wet after all the attention he gave you. So we started fucking and I got lubed up real fast.
I have to say when the boyfriend and I have intercourse it is Making love. It is the most wonderful thing in the world. To have all this feeling and emotion and to have a release that makes you weak at the knees and ticklish.
I have to say some who read this may get upset that I call him my boyfriend but his wife calls me HIS Girlfriend when I call on the phone.
Lets say I was the only thin female at the party. There was a female(I think) people call the YETTI. Well I said what was that? She is the definition of UGLY. (sorry) calling it as I see it.
Now on to the TOAD. He is a man very round in size, and yes he LOOKS like a toad. I was like "self do you really want to fuck that"? Self said " Well he invited you. You should do what is right and get over your fear factor. So I did just that. Will I do that again? I say Hell NO, but it could change down the road. Thing is I am not packing those men as live in the hand friends. Fuck them and leave them until next time.
ALL in All I had a wonderful weekend and Friday night was the best of the weekend.
I finally did my photo shoot. I couldn't believe my eyes. Damn I AM GOOD LOOKING.
So to the BITCHES that get in my shit I have something to say to you."GET OUT THE WAY BITCH"
cause I am coming up fast and soaring high.
So baby this is it as the saying goes "life is fluid, sink or swim" I am dog paddling now, learning to swim.

Life???

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 01:36:54 GMT

I had a good day with my family for once. No one was complaining or criticizing the other. It was nice for all 4 of us to be together. The oldest daughter even hugged her father. That was quite the shock. I actually saw his eyes water up. Maybe the man is changing for the better.
She took us up to the Sheiks Mansion. OMG. It is beautiful. He has an underground Ampi theater, japanese tea garden with a pond with KOI in it. He has another pond which looks like a beach.
The pond outside my daughters apartment has trout in it and is clean enough to swim in. The house on the hill has a pool inside with a hot tub. We went to the horse barn where she works. OMG You can eat off the floor. She has to sweep then mop it 2 times a day. The indoor arena is huge and very clean. The horses (drool) damn nice horse flesh. Just one of them was over $10,000.00 and they have 6 of them.This place is something I can only dream of. I am so glad my daughter is living my dream of dreams.
We went to N.H. and I took the family to Wendy's for lunch. Then we went to the pet store, then back to Vermont to stop at Queechie Gorge. I so LOVE that place. There is a camp ground right there. I am going to see about camping there some day during the week, probably in July. Excellent hiking trails. I can't wait.
The only negative thing about the day was he said" we shouldn't have gone out to lunch" I said I am not going to stop living, besides we wont have many more times with ALL 4 of us together. He said your right. Dang did I hear that right??
On a lighter note"ANYONE up for camping with me"? Taking names on a first come basis. Leave me a message here unless you know where to find me. Good night everyone

Astrology

Mon, 25 May 2009 11:32:28 GMT

The Tower card suggests that your relationship may be in crisis, and this is your wake-up call. You can't go on fooling yourself any longer, and if you don't break up, you will certainly be on a rocky path if you don't work on what affects your very foundation. The impact may be severe, for while you feel secure, something unforeseen, sudden and dramatic may come to dispel your illusions. It may be a catastrophic experience, but you can rebuild this relationship into a better and stronger one if you take drastic measures or pull together to salvage what you can. This is a time where you can see if you have the right stuff. You might be pleasantly surprised to discover your own capacity for resourcefulness, dignity, creativity and generosity.

It's Saturday, It's Saturday

Sat, 23 May 2009 14:08:57 GMT

For some strange reason I woke up in a fairly good mood. Actually the Husband woke me up and said he loved me. Now that is a real strange turn of events. I have given this man 21 years of my life. Most of it has been abusive. I was taught a marriage is forever, that divorce is not an option. I have cried many a nights, I have not had a peaceful sleep in many of them.
Every day I look for answers. Things I like to do he doesn't. I like to camp, hike, swim, run, boating, ride horses, be naked. I can't do any of these with him. Hell I can't sleep naked. It's my own freaking bed in my house. Apparently he is repulsed by my body.
Everything that has gone wrong in his life happens to be my fault. Nothing is his fault.
I have always been a mouse, letting people step on me of kick me. I never fought back. Now I am finally getting a spine and standing up for myself. I have found my voice.
My 30 year class reunion is in September. I plan on going with a killer body. Why? I never dated any of the boys in school cause I was a poor farmers daughter. I didn't have new clothes to wear. I was picked on relentlessly by the popular girls who spit on me and threw gum in my hair. I was the girl who was shoved in corners and bullied by the bitches. I should say those slim bossom curvaceous sluts.
I see their pictures now and well lets say they are disgustingly fat. I should let the past go, but gosh dang it they hurt me and myself esteem. I became shy, withdrawn. I turned to pot and coke for the pain of rejection. I passed myself from male to male looking for love, looking for acceptance. I never found it. What I found was a name. Slut.
One thing I do know is I am a survivor. I have survived rape, drugs, alcohol, cancer ,and I am so far surviving abuse. Sometimes I hate myself for wanting to be better. I still suffer from self esteem. I had a bout with bulimia. I sometimes find myself binge eating now and again, but I am not purging. I do want to exercise. I try to eat healthy. I try to stay healthy, focus on the inner me. I get off the path now and again. Sometimes I try to hard. At the end of the day I look at myself and say is it all worth it? Why are you looking for acceptance from people 30 years ago? Why am I looking for something I want so desperately and know in my heart I will never find it? Then again what am I looking for????

Decision making

Wed, 20 May 2009 16:10:11 GMT

Why does one have to make decisions in life? Why can't we all be happy?
I was watching NOVA and I saw Bonobo Apes. I said to myself" I am so one of them" They love sex and it keeps them mellow. They are nurturing and caring. I was laughing when a male ape was mad at the female and picked up a stick and was going to fight her but instead had sex then went along his way. The males or females have sex frequently ALL day and NIGHT.
I said yes that would be me, but I am just a human with none of that.
I started cleaning out stuff I don't use and want or need. I have come close to the decision I need to make.
I am not happy here. It was made quite clear the other day, I am not wanted. When the person you married says they want to slit your throat, well that kinda hit me. He has said all sorts of stuff before, but this really made me sick.
I have decided I can't stay for things. I can always get them back and probably better ones. This isn't a home. I am not wanted nor do I feel loved.
Amazing that I have stayed here so long. Is it wrong to want to be loved? To feel loved? I know its only a stupid word. I want it so much that if someone says it I believe them. I have been doing some soul searching and going deep.
I have started to stick up for myself. If he hits me with his shoe I pick up my steel toed boots and hit him with them. Well he doesn't hit me anymore. When he said he wanted me gone and out of his life I said gladly, but NOT until our daughter graduates. I said to him, " you call us the only family you have, but yet you drive us ALL away." You blame me for everything that has happened. I said"It was you who has been fired repeatedly from jobs. Three in two weeks time". It is you who has financially ruined us. I am NOT taking the blame for anything other than what I have done. Then the name calling started again with the Sorry. I said sorry isn't meant. You keep saying it and keeping doing the same stuff over and over again. It won't stop.
I know I have said it often that I am leaving. I am about 75% there. I have a tent, and dishes, clothes, shoes.I can buy food and wood or charcoal.
Time for me to fly people, and thank you for being xanga friends. One wont know where I will take flight, but it is time for me to go.

Mothers Day

Sun, 10 May 2009 17:00:56 GMT

I spent an hour in ER with my daughter this morning. Thank goodness she will be okay. A few days to heal and hopefully she will be better. She has pleurisy in her rib cage. They gave her pain killers to take.
NO one said Happy Mothers Day. I shouldn't expect anything from people.
My daughter did treat me to lunch the other day so I shouldn't complain.
I always seem to be forgotten which isn't to unusual these days. I seem to expect to be swept on out the door. I just sit and wait for the words to come or the axe to fall.
I know people make promises and then they forget they said anything. I have also come to expect that. I believe it is their way of pushing me away. I don't bank my life on what people say to me anymore. It seems they only tell me what they wish me to know or hear.
I was going through my old clothes this morning and my husband came down and started in on me. Why do you have so m any clothes? Get rid of them. You don't need them. yadda yadda yadda. Maybe he is right. Maybe I am a fat slob. After all I am married to him and he knows me. What is the point of trying to better myself when I am beaten down on every route I take. Maybe I should go back to my old self of 200 # of fat. Maybe I should just sit around and feel sorry for my stupid ass for staying married to him. Maybe I should throw in the towel and say adios to all. Maybe just maybe stop listening to people all together and dance my own dance. If you want to be in my life fine if not see ya. Stop the name calling,stop the hurt, stop my pain. Only I can do that. Only I can make myself happy. Only I can love myself. I have to learn to love my inner self and respect it. I just feel like I am slipping backwards again, but thats okay. I now know how to deal with it.
On the plus side of life my oldest daughter called and she had her interview for the internship at a multi million $ horse ranch. She will have her own apartment. So of course she will need things like cookware, dishes, utensils. cups etc. lawn sales here we come.